Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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