I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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