I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
