I will die if light touches me.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
