Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
