don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
