I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
