I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
