shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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