Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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