I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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