I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize