you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
