if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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