K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
