Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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