So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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