sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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