nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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