Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
