if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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