just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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