i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
There's even glitter on my cock...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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