Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
