Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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