I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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