I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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