My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Watching her eat just hurts me
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
