You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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