her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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