did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize