Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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