matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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