Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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