i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
