I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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