I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my phone needs a breathalizer
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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