if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
