I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
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