I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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