The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
