Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
