Got a toothbrush?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
