I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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