This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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