You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
