Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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