You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize