okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
