At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
