I'm lost and stupid without you.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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