I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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