I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
