I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I supernannyed him into submission
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
