why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
