Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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