i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
