Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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