nut hugger
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
