There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
