When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
