Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My vagina is very pro this idea
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
