Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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